Splatter

I have to stop,

I lie to myself so much it hurts,

I know all the truths,

But I’m consumed by an emotion I can’t let go of,

I want to lock you out,

I want to scream and curse your name,

This punch to the heart which burns like a fire,

The time I’ve wasted,

Emotions I have thrown away,

I want to point fingers,

I want to grab you and force you to look into my eyes,

See the pain and watch the tears stream down my face,

Disgusted by your need for me,

While harboring another,

I knew I couldn’t do this,

This is my fault, not yours,

I told myself these lies,

I carved these statues which mounted you on pedestals,

I want to to punch the stars out of the sky,

Drain the oceans,

Remove what you found beautiful so you can feel this,

This madness that consumes the shattering of a heart,

The feeling of nausea knowing how deep my lie made me fall,

So here I am,

Not so eloquent,

Dirty and broken,

Instead of controlled strokes,

Letting the ink splatter,

Letting the hurt take over,

Letting the pain drive for awhile,

Letting the tears carve a path,

I can’t do this anymore,

Can’t fathom the constructs of your heart,

But one day you’ll wonder where I’ve gone,

One day you’ll knock on that door,

And there will be no answer,

That day is today…

Fighter, No More

My head on this pillow,

Mind in deep thoughts,

Shades drawn, in darkness,

Stomach in knots,

No words can describe,

Anxiety like this,

The uncertainty that looms,

It’s either hell or it’s bliss,

I can’t bring myself,

To face this new day,

Digging holes in the sand,

To hide far away,

For this is depression,

All dark and morose,

Fractured the spirit,

Melancholy overdose,

Why try to smile,

When it’s so out of place,

As your heart breaks away,

The tears stream down your face,

So I’ll lay right here,

Evading the light,

As the desolation consumes me,

As I give up the fight…

Drive

Never say I wasn’t passionate,

That I didn’t revel in your presence,

That I never listened to your worries,

Or acted in your favor to help you,

Never say that I didn’t love you,

As I broke my back to bring you joy,

You never asked for this, you’d say,

But love is not about waiting to be told,

It’s about doing something for those you love,

Without them having to ask,

I will never love again like I loved you,

Simply because I don’t have it in me anymore….

Stay

How is this okay,

We were as soulmates,

Happy with each other,

The perfect fit,

Whenever it was you and I,

It was pure magic,

What happened?

There was no fight,

We kept doing this,

Kept closing doors on what made sense,

I was there for you,

I fought for you,

Yet, here I am,

Without you….

Would I do it all again,

The pain, the loss?

Yes…

Because you were worth every tear,

Every moment of pain,

You were my everything….

Triggers

I reach across the pillow, forgetting you’re not there,

I pull it close and inhale deeply, close my eyes and there you are,

For a moment, it’s all okay,

It will all be okay…

Walking through the house, you’re everywhere,

Your cup, your favorite painting, your couch blanket,

The ghost of you that still haunts me, 

I look outside the window, like those mornings when you would,

For a moment it’s all okay,

It will be okay…

Time heals all, the people say,

One day it will just stop,

But I don’t care to have it leave me,

These fragments of pieces you left behind,

As the good outweighs the bad when it all comes to a hault,

I want to cherish the story of us,

Amongst the wreckage of the inevitable,

For a moment, it’s all okay,

I am not okay….