Splatter

I have to stop,

I lie to myself so much it hurts,

I know all the truths,

But I’m consumed by an emotion I can’t let go of,

I want to lock you out,

I want to scream and curse your name,

This punch to the heart which burns like a fire,

The time I’ve wasted,

Emotions I have thrown away,

I want to point fingers,

I want to grab you and force you to look into my eyes,

See the pain and watch the tears stream down my face,

Disgusted by your need for me,

While harboring another,

I knew I couldn’t do this,

This is my fault, not yours,

I told myself these lies,

I carved these statues which mounted you on pedestals,

I want to to punch the stars out of the sky,

Drain the oceans,

Remove what you found beautiful so you can feel this,

This madness that consumes the shattering of a heart,

The feeling of nausea knowing how deep my lie made me fall,

So here I am,

Not so eloquent,

Dirty and broken,

Instead of controlled strokes,

Letting the ink splatter,

Letting the hurt take over,

Letting the pain drive for awhile,

Letting the tears carve a path,

I can’t do this anymore,

Can’t fathom the constructs of your heart,

But one day you’ll wonder where I’ve gone,

One day you’ll knock on that door,

And there will be no answer,

That day is today…

Nothing

I need to make this stop,

The overwhelming pleasantries,

The approval seeking exchanges,

That leave a bitter taste in my mouth,

I am nothing to you,

It’s visible in your actions,

Our interactions,

When was the last time you asked about me?

A thought doesn’t count,

I can’t read your mind,

I already knew this was done,

Why do I lie to myself,

Prolong the moment of death,

Because I’d rather hurt myself,

Than hurt you… 

Drive

Never say I wasn’t passionate,

That I didn’t revel in your presence,

That I never listened to your worries,

Or acted in your favor to help you,

Never say that I didn’t love you,

As I broke my back to bring you joy,

You never asked for this, you’d say,

But love is not about waiting to be told,

It’s about doing something for those you love,

Without them having to ask,

I will never love again like I loved you,

Simply because I don’t have it in me anymore….

Love & Madness

Bring me the smile that I deserve,

As I hold on to hope that I preserve,

Let me find validation through her eyes,

Acknowledge the pain within my cries,

Ignorance conceived of a cautious mind,

Saying it won’t hurt even a bit this time,

As history has doomed us to repeat itself,

And it’s the gauntlet we face upon oneself,

Expecting different results from the same,

But deep within its all in vain,

For madness is just beyond the line,

That we cross for love that’s undefined…